AN ODE TO THE SINGLE PARENT
- Aditi Thakur
- Feb 14
- 5 min read
Updated: Feb 20
(this project is part of MOJO which are done in three different forms of media)
This multimedia story revolves around the plight of single parents (both divorcees/someone who has lost their partners) : the kind of issues and challenges that they face while raising their children on their own, in what ways has this experience changed and shaped their lives as individuals, their relationship with their children and the society at large. And are there any existing support systems available that can help the community of single parents in easing their journey physically, mentally and sociologically. The story also comes from a personal perspective of mine as a second child of a single mother who has experienced this journey on her own. ~by Aditi Thakur
Single parenting can be a complicated and extremely tumultuous journey for any person in bringing up their child or children in case of separation from their partners or death of a partner. Single parents are all around us but while their status may be noticed, their struggles are hardly taken note of by society.
When I was barely 12 and my elder brother 16 years old, we lost our father to Leukemia. My mother, then in her early 40s, became a single parent to us. I can look back and see that her life held a tremendous amount of physical, mental and social exhaustion from the constant juggling she had to do between being both the provider and the caretaker for us. Society, I would think, would have a system, a safety net or support group, for such single parents but there were none; there are still few and far between. In fact, even conversations around single parenting are meagre.
More often than not, they are and feel invisible on the social spectrum. Ruby Singh, 41, a banker and a single mother in Bihar, says, “Most of the time, single parents, particularly single mothers are stuck with their chosen careers and it is hard for them to switch jobs or change careers due to changing economic tides. The Indian judicial system too has constraints when it comes to being accessible and understood. Most lawyers are not attuned to single parenting pains and issues, nor knowledgeable of recourse options particularly in custody battles.”
Intersectionality of financial conditions, domestic violence, and women’s separation from abusive partners are also less talked about aspects about single parenting. Kanisha Paul, 52, a single mother and a teacher in Kolkata, shares, “ I had to let go of my career in media and get into a more stable job in academics to support my children after I separated. My children were supportive in all my decisions but it was the society that questioned my decisions.”
Even if there are conversations, the mental health and other conditions of single parents – single mothers – is rarely addressed. According to Sharda Sharma, 45, an entrepreneur and baker who single-handedly raised her children for 20 years, says, “India is more systematically challenged on this issue. Single parents are never acknowledged as a separate community who have different sets of challenges in their daily lives.” Says Nitya Madhav, 32, a single mother and a freelance copywriter in Bengaluru, “One of the major pain points is the working parent guilt. Single parents in corporate jobs find it hard to switch jobs or change industries as organisations are not inclusive. Cash crunches on a regular basis with issues such as school fee hikes, house rents, medical bills make it impossible for them to take breaks for themselves or for their children.” Riya Chauhan, a young mother of ten-year old Harsh, who recently lost her partner to a sudden cardiac arrest, adds: “I can either join my husband’s government job or get a pension. I want to work to take my mind off things but the pension amount will be higher than my salary. There is hardly any choice.”
Financial and logistical drawbacks like these lead to situations in which children live separately with their grandparents or other caretakers during the day, compounding their mental health issues too. This is a huge cause of distress and insecurity among single parents when it comes to their child's physical and mental safety. Jyoti Singhal, 32, a single mother and a fashion designer believes that the lack of formally trained and affordable child care is an added concern for working single parents.
Single fathers fare no better. Rahul Das, 39, a lawyer and entrepreneur in Bhopal, says, “There is a reluctance for people to recognise the inequities faced by single parents. Often people call it ‘an experience by choice’ but it’s hardly that.” In the process of single parenting, as Robin Verma, 36, says, the health and wants of single parents are irrespective of whether they are single fathers or mothers, and work-life balance is more difficult to maintain than in a two-parent household.
The impact on children lingers too. Mehek Randhawa, 16, a 10th grade student from Guwahati, Assam, shares that when she was younger, her mother could not spend as much time with her as she had to do everything alone. “She was also preparing for government exams to get a stable job. She had too much to take care of. This created a distance between us. Now that I am older, I understand her situation but I still cannot share a lot with her. I also think that I could have shared more about my personal life with my father if he was around.”
Chaithanyan B Prakash, a 22 year old post-graduate student in Fashion Management, from Kerala, shares, “ I feel that my relationship with my father could have been much better if he had some kind of support or a community to share his feelings with while he was bringing me up as a single father. I was also not an easy child to deal with. With a support group, he might have had a comparatively easy journey.”
Ashok Shelhalkar, a single father of two daughters in Mumbai says, “While both my daughters are independent, one of my concerns has always been about how to talk about their marriage given that the community is more comfortable having such conversations with mothers. I have a friendly relationship with my daughters and can openly talk about a lot of their issues but society does not give the same chances to single parents as our children do.”
The lack of visibility in society, the unique challenges of single parenting, and the need to be understood led Swati Chopra to start a community of single parents on Instagram recently. Chopra, entertainment editor of The Quint and a single parent, says only single parents dealing with the same issues actually relate to each other including their feelings of loneliness. What single parents need is de-stigmatization of conversations around their life and struggles, inclusive HR policies in organisations, availability of exclusive financial and psychological support groups, mental health support, more affordable and accessible divorce consultancy in a lot of cases. After all, they need safe spaces too – to live and tell their own stories.
Continue on this journey as our writer Aditi Thakur delves deeper.
Take a look at this audio podcast
Take a look at this video
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